Hey, do you still remember this?
“Hey, let’s go to flat”
Usually, we went to the flat every weekend, when you’re still working, I bought foods and everything what we need for living.
I don’t know why you decided to stop contact me again..
Is this sign that you reject me?
Or you find somebody new?
August, 2nd 2018 – In the middle of the night
I just wrote this on Microsoft Word, yes offline – because i’m somewhere that no internet connection, except on my phone and it’s awful, can’t tether it.
Again, you “sleep” again, i have no news from you, i feel worse, missing, and so on, I realized that last 3-5 days we communicate again, but as you know, we got argued again, i want romantic talk, i want to apologize for everything,
I took all of my energy for you, Dash, spent everything for you, even maybe you not realize all of them, I can’t sleep normally because of you, now i felt that my heart also goes wrong, it’s very painful physically. I feel what you feel last several months.
If you want to ask, did I feel sad only for now or what.. No, i feel sad everytime, everybody knew i’m a “sad, glommy, and pessimistic guy” I almost never smile I don’t want somebody take a picture of me, i can’t eat normally, my brain can’t work as normally. Why?
Because I want to smile in front of you
I want you to take picture of us
I want to eat together with you
And i want my brain to thinking together with you.
Sound crazy, eh? I hurted you.. I’m such a stupid guy who love you.
I closed my heart already, some people asked me, “do you have a girlfriend?” and i always say that i’m engaged but i’m a bad guy for her. That’s all, i don’t want people to ask me anything about my relationship, but I want people to know that i’m bad for my girl.
And I realized, I tortured myself. Because i am so loyal to you,
Dasha, you know, we have different of view as i wrote before, now I realized that it’s so much complicated, you think on your own way, I think on my own way, and both of us think on their own way, never believe what the others say.
Can love solve this, Dasha? I hope so. Can love cure this also? I hope so..
Now I decided to break my point of view.
Let’s face it, I hurt you, yes, I confess it.
I wanted you to suffer and die slowly..
Okay I got it, i confess it also.
And now you can do anything what you want, and you will not care about me..
It’s hard… but i should confess it also
Dasha, you’re right since the beginning, and please don’t say that you’re stupid.. in fact, you’re not, everybody said that you’re smart, everybody praise you because of it.
It’s me who are stupid, because i made you suffering in every situation, i understand your effort to do anything to be stay with me, and i ruined it.
I wanted to say “I love you”, but it will be not logical, how can people love while he hurts his couple.
But I love you, Dasha. and Always..
Don’t know anything to say
Today in the morning, i slept on a bus, and just got a dream.
The dream was, you.. wearing black coat (i remember that black coat, you look so pretty with that). Angry with me, i mean, real angry because I hurt you, i feel guilty for everything, again.. Sorry.
But it’s only words, right? 🙁 Will you forgive me, Dasha?
Now we communicate again, but still with some argue again, i want to avoid it, really.. Can we stop it?
I knew we have different point of view of our relationship, and both of us are just stubborn, but… overall, It’s my fault that i hurt you.
And now, i realized that I’m not ur priority again, you never contact me at noon, i don’t know what r u doing there? Are you avoiding me? I swear I never avoid you, Dasha. I love you so much.
Don’t leave me, Dasha. I need you. I truly apologize for what I’ve done.
I miss you so much, I miss our quality time
I don’t know why you can’t answer my propose and plan. you told me you love me, but in fact you hate me also,
Dasha, you always say that i love you but also hate, No, i never hate you, just situation is different, but i love you, and always love you..
I propose you sincere, with no emotion, fully from my heart. Why you still angry with me? 🙁
I even can’t write anything here now, too hard for me
Yes, i asked you, Dasha, but you just different, you looks like hate me, i even asked you several question.. and i’m trying to avoid argue, i don’t want this argue.
And Yes, i should propose you, Dasha….
Again i’m here, but i was thinking and thinking, my plan again broken, i can’t propose you, Dasha, you will leave
What should i do? Should i leave you? But i love you, are you really love me?
I have only two options, Give up or propose you now…..
But propose on internet? I really don’t like it. I have no choice i need to ask you, then
I just got message from mum that you will move to the U.S. for study? What?? I feel confused, not because you didn’t tell me that you will go abroad again, but for study? Are you trying to ran away? From me? What about my plan, Dasha? I don’t know… But i never tell you my plan, it’s normal that you don’t know L
I’m crying again, yes, such a bad me crying in the office, how can i propose you?
I tried to contact you, but you just say that you want to escape from Russia, i don’t know, do you have another boyfriend?
I don’t know, I feel bad
And tonight i will go back to Bandung, going back with tears