August, 2nd 2018 – In the middle of the night
I just wrote this on Microsoft Word, yes offline – because i’m somewhere that no internet connection, except on my phone and it’s awful, can’t tether it.
Again, you “sleep” again, i have no news from you, i feel worse, missing, and so on, I realized that last 3-5 days we communicate again, but as you know, we got argued again, i want romantic talk, i want to apologize for everything,
I took all of my energy for you, Dash, spent everything for you, even maybe you not realize all of them, I can’t sleep normally because of you, now i felt that my heart also goes wrong, it’s very painful physically. I feel what you feel last several months.
If you want to ask, did I feel sad only for now or what.. No, i feel sad everytime, everybody knew i’m a “sad, glommy, and pessimistic guy” I almost never smile I don’t want somebody take a picture of me, i can’t eat normally, my brain can’t work as normally. Why?
Because I want to smile in front of you
I want you to take picture of us
I want to eat together with you
And i want my brain to thinking together with you.
Sound crazy, eh? I hurted you.. I’m such a stupid guy who love you.
I closed my heart already, some people asked me, “do you have a girlfriend?” and i always say that i’m engaged but i’m a bad guy for her. That’s all, i don’t want people to ask me anything about my relationship, but I want people to know that i’m bad for my girl.
And I realized, I tortured myself. Because i am so loyal to you,
I slept and leaving this letter unsaved,
I had dream with you again, again you feel bad because what I’ve done and in that dream you told me you deserve to be happy without me… Is this for real or just dream?
I’m a bad captain right? Leaving you in a bad condition, and now you’re the good captain for ur own life.
R u still hurt because of me? Is it possible for us to take a normal life again?
I’m just hoping a miracle for us. Hope God remove my bad side, or just let Him take my soul.
Because I love you, even if i’m dead